Living Life in Darkness
by Casaundra C. Garren

      Imagine sitting down to visit with your mother one day, and with a blank stare in her eyes , she looks at you and asks, “Who are you?” This is an example of how some of my days go when I visit with my mother. Many people have parents who were pretty young when they were born. My mother was thirty-five years old when I was born, and I was the only child she ever had. I remember as I was growing up my friends’ parents seemed so young and many times I felt like I was living with my grandma.  Looking back now at the age I am, I realize she is   awfully young to be going through what she is.

      Two years ago I noticed that she would forget what we all think of as simple things to know. For instance, remembering the day of the week, where the bedroom is, where the bathroom is, and even how to use the cook stove are all problems she faces daily. These things that seem so simple to remember are a big challenge for her. I feel the hardest part came when she asked me what my two children’s names are. Many times I would catch myself wondering if she was just pretending that she cannot remember. The day came when I had to help my dad get her in for an evaluation and further testing due to her condition. She became very angry with me and said a lot of cruel things to me. She told me as far as she was concerned, she never wanted to see me again. I was so torn up on the inside, yet angry that my own mother had told me she could not trust me. I cried like a baby that day in the hospital, for I knew this was not my mother’s normal behavior.

She was diagnosed with Alzheimers, which is a degenerative brain disease characterized by progressive mental deterioration and memory loss. When the doctor explained this to me, I was just kind of dumbfounded by it. I had heard of this disease, but thought, “not my mom, she is too young.” Alzheimers should be seen in people that are in their mid 80’s or 90’s.

      There are three stages of this disease, and she moved rather rapidly into the second stage. We had been taking care of her at home with the help of Heartland Hospice  daily, but the day came when the nurses and her doctor told us we needed to be thinking of where we wanted her final days to be. They told us that the emotional and physical strain it was putting on my dad and myself would only get worse because the third and final stage is bedfast. I remember we sat at the table that day and as they were going over our options and discussing going ahead and getting her moved to the nursing home in Seminole, the emotions I had been trying to hold back just began to explode. I was an emotional wreck and even though I knew deep down inside we had done the best we could for her at home, it was time to let her go somewhere there was more people to oversee her. On September 18, 2006 with many people supporting us, we got her moved to her new home.

      I visit with her quite often. I go by and see her everyday after school. There are days she does not know where she is. I will remind her, and she will ask me how far she is  from our home in Maud, and whether or not we still live there. Confusion always seems to be part of her daily routine. There are times now when I go to visit her that we will be talking and she will just take off in her electric wheelchair. I realize that her mind is reverting back to childhood. She will sit and be talking to her parents, her sister, and even others who have been dead for quite a while. The first few times I witnessed this behavior, I was quick to remind her they were not there. Anymore, I just let her talk to them cause who am I to say she does not see them.

      The past weeks have really taken a toll on us as a family. Many times now when I go to visit I never know what is going to come out of her mouth. Mother, in her younger days, was always mellow, and I never really heard her complain. I have personally seen the other side of her and unfortunately it is rather ugly at times. She has caused me to be very embarrassed with the way she has acted. It reminds me often of how a child who is not getting their way will act. I have, many times ,tried to reason with her and explain things to her, but time and time again she does not comprehend. Lately the combativeness has began and that is so not like her.

      Though this has been a tough road for one to travel and understand, I feel there is a reason for me to talk about my experience. I have a greater understanding about the patients whom are suffering from the disease and how distraught family members can become. I have learned to appreciate the simplest things in life and enjoy life to the fullest while I am still young. I tell my children all the time how much they are loved by their grandmother, even though at times she does not remember them. As time passes, I realize I cannot bring her back to what I think normal should be. I just keep a positive outlook on one thing she may be in her own little world , but she is not in any pain.

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